So about 5 weeks ago I started my 8930728934th diet. Oh, that's right. It's NOT a diet. It's a lifestyle program. Whatever you call it, it's still a diet. A losing battle. As someone who has been oversized and undertall her whole life, losing weight sometimes seems like a battle that can't be one. Each time I have managed to lose some weight, I gain it alllllll back and then some. And I'll admit it - I love my breads, pastas, and twizzlers!

No surprise to most who have ever been overweight, I grew up in a house where food was love. You gave someone food if you loved them. You ate everything you were served if you loved them. You fought over who got which leftovers from Thanksgiving, because whomever got Aunt Marie's stuffing (or the largest amount of it) - you were LOVED.

I know the process of journaling every calorie eaten, of tracking how much exercise I do (walking counts), of tracking fats, carbs, proteins, steps...the list goes on. Intellectually, I KNOW this. But the mind block comes in - I'd rather stay in bed than walk. Watch the Olympics table tennis than work out. I make really good healthy vegetarian chili that I love, and so does my husband. BUt it's in the fridge a week later, forsaken for the weekly trip to Hoagies, dinner with mom, lunch at Ponderosa...

I struggle how to get from where I am, to where I want to be. It's a long road, and hard to see the end point. I know that even 10% of body weight lost can make a difference, but when according to everything I've got 56% of my body to lose, it seems insurmountable.

Perhaps if I was nearly as comfortable in my own skin as my friend Kat (in the photo above), this wouldn't be as obnoxiously painful. But, I'm not comfortable this way. Let's face it - I don't want to be seen in a bathing suit, shorts, dresses that require nylons. I hate that I have to order my bras online as there is no place locally to get them my size. I hate that I can't keep up with my husband and go for a walk with him - between his long legs and stride, and better fitness level, I just can't keep up. I want to be doing taekwondo again, hell, I want to make it to the gym for water aerobics. But again that short-circuit is in effect and I am struggling.

It's not over till the fat lady sings, goes the statement. I hear no divas singing in my neck of the woods yet!